


Whether tis Nobler

by lilykep



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29509191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilykep/pseuds/lilykep
Summary: Steve is going through some shit at the start of The Avengers movie, and I have feels about that.
Kudos: 3





	Whether tis Nobler

One of his first thoughts once he was free of the ice was "People don't really want me". No one wanted scrappy Brooklyn kid Steve Rogers, they wanted Captain America. It wasn't a new thought. Most everyone, even in his time, thought Captain America was leagues better than skinny sickly Steve Rogers. It didn't hurt as much then though. Back then he still had people who knew him, people who saw beyond the science experiment and into the heart of who he was. In this new world those people were all gone, either dead or lost to the ravages of time and age. Slowly Captain America stopped being a character he was putting on and started to become who he felt like he had to be all the time. You can only wear a costume for so long before it starts to feel like your skin. He started catching himself saying and thinking "Captain America" things, trying to live up to everyone's expectations. It'd happened before, that slow slip from person to ideal, but now there was no one there to elbow him back down to Earth with a smirk and tell him to stop mugging for the masses. He kept expecting it though, unconsciously bracing himself for a playful cuff to the head or knock to the ribs that never came. Those few anticipatory seconds were when he felt most like "Steve" now and it hurt like dying. Of all the new discoveries in this new century the most painful one was that grief was no respecter of time. Grief didn't care that he'd been frozen into a new century. It just waited patiently for him, crouched like a tiger in his brain, ready to spring out and sink it's claws into him when he was least expecting it. After the train... After Bucky... He didn't slow down long enough to feel the pain. One night of remembrance, a one man wake like what would have been held in the old neighborhood, then he was off again. War waits for no man, and Captain America had a duty. Steve Rogers however, little Stevie had a loss so big he couldn't fit it all into his head. On the plane with Red Skull he made a choice, Captain America would never try to kill himself but Steve... Steve didn't think dying was the worst thing that could happen.  
And he was right. Living was much much worse.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no time or patience for Steve Rogers hate so if you have some, keep it to yourself.


End file.
